The 5 Communication Mistakes That Drive Couples Apart
And How to Fix Them
Even the healthiest relationships hit communication roadblocks. You love each other, but lately it feels like every conversation turns into an argument, or worse, awkward silence.
If you’re wondering why you and your partner keep having the same fights or can’t seem to get through to each other, you’re not alone. As a couples therapist, I see this every day, and it’s not because you’re incompatible. It’s because most couples were never taught how to communicate effectively.
Here are five common communication mistakes that drive couples apart, and some therapist-approved strategies to help you start rebuilding connection today.
1. Listening to Respond Instead of Listening to Understand
When your partner talks, are you already crafting your comeback? That’s one of the most common communication problems in relationships, and one that can make your partner feel unseen or dismissed.
Try this: Pause before replying. Reflect back what you heard, even if you don’t agree. For example: “So you felt ignored when I checked my phone?”
That simple moment of empathy shows your partner that their feelings matter, and it often softens the tone of the conversation.
2. Arguing About Who’s Right
Many couples get stuck in trying to “win” arguments. But when one person wins, the relationship loses.
Try this: Instead of focusing on who’s right, focus on what’s happening between us. You’ll often find that both of you want the same thing: to feel respected, understood, and valued. This mindset shift is at the heart of effective couples communication.
3. Avoiding Tough Conversations
It might feel safer to avoid conflict, but silence often builds quiet resentment. When issues go unspoken, they don’t disappear; they just grow roots.
Try this: Choose a calm time to talk, and start gently: “This feels awkward to bring up, but I care about us and want to talk about it.” You don’t have to solve everything in one conversation. Sometimes, just showing that you’re willing to talk is a breakthrough.
4. Using “You” Language Instead of “I” Language
Statements like “You never listen!” or “You always shut down!” put your partner on the defensive.
Try this: Replace “you” with “I.” For example: “I feel disconnected when we don’t talk after work.” “I” statements invite conversation instead of conflict, a simple but powerful tool for healthier communication in relationships.
5. Letting Stress Speak for You
Often, the real problem isn’t your partner; it’s stress from work, family, or life spilling into your relationship.
Try this: Before responding, check in with yourself. Ask, “Am I upset about this — or just overwhelmed?” Sometimes the kindest thing you can say is, “Can we talk later, when I can really listen?”
Healthy Communication Can Be Learned
No one starts out as a communication expert—it’s a skill, not a personality trait. The good news? With practice and empathy, you can learn to communicate in ways that strengthen your relationship instead of straining it.
