What Is Projection in Relationships?
How We See Ourselves in Our Partner, and Why It Matters
One of the most powerful (and sometimes surprising) parts of couples therapy is when someone realizes: “Wait! I’ve been reacting to something inside me, not just to what my partner is doing.”
This is what we call projection, and it’s something every single one of us does, often without realizing it.
If you've ever felt confused by how quickly a small comment turns into a big argument, or if you've noticed that your reaction seems bigger than the moment calls for, projection might be at play. And learning how to recognize it is a huge step toward more connected, less reactive relationships.
What Is Projection?
In simple terms, projection is when we unconsciously place our own emotions, fears, insecurities, or unmet needs onto someone else, especially someone close to us, like a partner.
Instead of recognizing those feelings as ours, we experience them as if they’re coming from the other person.
For example:
You’re feeling unsure about your worth in the relationship, but instead you accuse your partner of not valuing you.
You grew up feeling like your needs were “too much,” so when your partner takes space, you assume they’re abandoning you.
You’re feeling disconnected, but instead of sharing that vulnerably, you criticize your partner for being distant or cold.
None of this means the other person is blameless. But when we project, we lose sight of what’s ours and what’s theirs. We stop relating to the actual person in front of us and start reacting to a story that’s often rooted in the past.
Where Does Projection Come From?
Most projection is rooted in unexamined emotional history. That might include:
Early childhood experiences (like emotional neglect or inconsistency)
Attachment wounds
Past relationship traumas
Internal beliefs like “I’m not enough,” or “I always get left.”
These old experiences can live quietly inside us until something in our current relationship activates them. That activation is what we often refer to as being triggered.
How Projection Shows Up in Relationships
Here are a few common signs that projection might be playing a role in your relationship dynamics:
Quick escalation: You go from calm to hurt or angry in a split second, often over something that seems small.
Assumptions: You fill in the blanks about your partner’s motives, tone, or intentions, usually in a negative way.
Repeat reactions: The same type of argument happens again and again, even though the surface topic changes.
Emotional overwhelm: Your feelings in the moment feel bigger than the situation calls for, and hard to explain.
Why It’s So Hard to See
Projection is sneaky. It often hides under what feels like certainty:
“They’re making me feel this way.”
“They don’t care.”
“They always do this.”
But couples therapy invites us to slow down and ask, “What’s really happening here—in me, and between us?”
That moment of reflection can be incredibly powerful. It doesn’t mean you’re “the problem.” It just means you’re human and that your inner world is asking for attention, not just reaction.
How Couples Therapy Can Help
Couples therapy isn’t just about solving surface-level communication issues. It’s about learning how to tune into yourself, understand your own emotional landscape, and share that with your partner in a new way.
In our sessions, we might:
Explore where your emotional reactions are coming from
Identify patterns of projection or misunderstanding
Practice separating past wounds from present behavior
Build tools for self-regulation and reflection
Help each partner take responsibility for their own emotional experience
This doesn’t mean ignoring your partner’s behavior—far from it. But when both people can look inward, rather than just trying to manage or control each other, it opens the door to real change.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
If you’ve been feeling stuck in the same cycle, or if you notice that your reactions don’t always make sense (even to you), couples therapy can be a space to gently explore what’s beneath the surface.
Looking inward isn’t always easy. But it’s where deeper understanding, healing, and connection begin. I’d be honored to support you on that journey.
