The Relationship is the Mirror: How Loving Someone Can Help You Love Yourself Better

As a couples therapist, one of the most transformative shifts I witness in my work is when individuals stop asking, “How can I get them to change?” and start wondering, “What is this moment asking me to learn about myself?”

This isn’t about self-blame. It’s about self-awareness—and from that, self-growth.

Too often, we enter therapy hoping our partner will finally understand us, love us the “right” way, or stop doing that one thing that drives us up the wall. And yes, we all deserve to be heard and treated with care. But relationships are rarely just about what one person is doing “wrong.” They’re about the dynamic between two people and how that dynamic invites both of them to grow.

Here’s a hard truth that becomes a hopeful one: the parts of our partner that upset us the most often have something to teach us.

Maybe their emotional distance reactivates our fear of abandonment. Maybe their anger mirrors our discomfort with conflict. Maybe their desire for closeness challenges our own walls.

Instead of seeing these moments as problems to fix, we can start to see them as opportunities: What’s getting stirred up in me? What do I need, from myself, from this relationship, to meet my partner with more awareness and care?

This is the real work of couples therapy — not just “fixing the relationship,” but growing the individuals within it.

It’s messy. It’s courageous. It’s powerful.

And often, it’s the beginning of a deeper kind of love: the kind where both people feel free and connected, supported and self-aware.

If you’re in a relationship and things feel hard right now, ask yourself: What part of me is being invited to grow here? That question can change everything.