“What’s My Part in This?” How Self-Inquiry Transforms Stalled Relationships
Why Self-Inquiry Matters
In struggling relationships, it’s easy to focus on what your partner is doing, or not doing. Self-inquiry doesn’t mean taking all the responsibility. It means recognizing your own impact within the cycle you both co-create.
This is not self-blame. This is self-awareness.
The Questions That Change Everything
Self-inquiry brings curiosity to your patterns:
What emotions rise in me when we argue?
What protective strategies do I use? Criticism? Withdrawal? Shutdown?
What stories am I telling myself?
What am I afraid might happen if I let my guard down?
These aren’t easy questions. But they open doors to connection that defensiveness keeps locked.
Your Patterns Didn’t Come From Nowhere
Attachment history, past relationships, family of origin experiences: these inform the strategies we bring into partnership.
When you understand your patterns with compassion, your partner feels less like the enemy and more like someone walking beside you through old terrain.
How Self-Inquiry Changes the Dynamic
When one person commits to self-inquiry:
Conflict de-escalates
Conversations become less reactive
The other partner feels safer
The entire emotional climate softens
Your partner isn’t left carrying all the blame, and you’re not left feeling powerless.
Self-Inquiry Is an Act of Love
Asking “What’s my part in this?” is not about fault, it's about connection.
It’s about becoming the kind of partner you want to be, not the one your stress response turns you into.
Self-inquiry doesn’t just transform you. It transforms the relationship.
