When Arguments Aren’t Really About What You’re Arguing About
The Fight About the Dishes Isn’t About the Dishes
Every couple has had that moment: a tiny disagreement erupts into a full-scale fight that feels irrational in hindsight. It’s frustrating and confusing. Why does something so small feel so big?
Conflict is rarely about the surface topic. It’s a signal of a deeper emotional rhythm between partners: patterns built from attachment needs, histories, and the ways we protect ourselves when things feel vulnerable.
Your Nervous System Knows the Script Before You Do
Many of these patterns operate outside conscious awareness. We can explore how past experiences shape present reactions: a harsh tone might activate wounds of dismissal; silence might echo abandonment.
When couples learn to pause and observe their internal reactions—rather than defend against them. They begin to respond from intention rather than instinct.
Repair Begins With Curiosity, Not Solutions
Instead of asking “How do we stop fighting?”, the more transformative question is:
“What is the fight protecting us from feeling?”
In therapy, we slow down reactive cycles and create room to name emotions like:
“I feel forgotten when plans change.”
“I feel criticized when you point out mistakes.”
From there, solutions become organic rather than forced.
