before you respond
When we feel angry, it can be hard to see beyond the intensity of the moment. Our thoughts move quickly, our bodies react, and we may find ourselves responding from a place of emotion rather than from a place of intention.
This practice invites you to notice what you’re feeling, understand the story your mind is telling you, and get curious about what may be underneath your first reaction.
Our minds will try to convince us that the problem (and the solution) are going to be found outside of us. However, sometimes the most helpful place to begin is within.
What happened?
What did I hear, see, or experience? Try to describe it as neutrally as possible, without interpretation and without adding any “meaning” to it.
What am I feeling?
Notice both the emotions and the sensations in your body. What is happening beneath the first, more obvious feeling? Often, the first thing we feel is anger or frustration. But sit for a moment and see what else arise. Is there a softer, more vulnerable emotion underneath that the anger might be protecting?
What story am I telling myself about what happened?
What am I making this mean about myself, about the other person, or about our relationship? Is this story true or is it a fear that 'I’m afraid might be true?
What does this remind me of?
Have I felt this way before? Does the way I’m feeling right now connect to a time in my life, in my past, where I felt similarly?
am i feeling an urge to protect myself right now?
Do I feel a strong desire to withdraw, shut down, attack, explain, control, please, or create distance?
What am I afraid of?
What am I afraid will happen if I don't protect myself? If this experience reminds me of something from my past, is there a consequence that I fear might happen today?
What do I need right now?
Is there something I can do to soothe myself in this moment, before I ask anyone else for anything? Can I remind myself that my mind is trying to protect me from something that feels familiar? Can I find comfort in realizing that I am here in the present moment, and that what happened in the past is not happening right now?
finally, Put your findings Into Words
When I heard or saw [describe what happened, stated as neutrally as possible],
I felt [name the emotions and sensations you noticed].
The story I told myself was [what meaning your mind made of the experience]. It reminded me of when [any earlier experience that feels connected].
I wanted to protect myself by [describe the urge or protective behavior that came up] because I’m afraid that [describe the fear underneath the reaction, the feared “consequence”].
I’ve discovered that I need [what you need from yourself, and, if appropriate, from the other person].