Why One Partner Pulls Away While the Other Leans In
A Dynamic That Shows Up When Emotions Run High
There’s a familiar rhythm many couples describe: one person voices concerns urgently, wanting clarity now, and the other becomes quiet, reflective, or physically distant. They might walk away, go silent, or shut down entirely. Not because they don’t care, but because they feel overwhelmed.
If you’re in this dynamic, you’re not alone. It’s one of the most common patterns I see in couples therapy.
Withdrawal as Protection, Not Disinterest
Withdrawing often develops long before the relationship exists. A partner may have grown up in environments where conflict meant danger, criticism, or emotional chaos. Shutting down became a way to self-soothe or avoid escalation. Their nervous system learned that distance equals safety.
In therapy, I often hear variations of:
“I don't know how to say it right, so I say nothing.”
“If I stay silent, at least no one gets hurt.”
The intention is protection, not abandonment.
Pursuit as Protest, Not Pressure
Meanwhile, the partner who leans in isn’t “clingy” or demanding. Pursuit is often a protest against distance, an attempt to restore connection.
Their inner experience may sound like:
“Please look at me.”
“Please meet me emotionally.”
What appears as intensity on the surface may actually be fear underneath.
When Both People Feel Alone at the Same Time
The heartbreaking truth is that both partners usually feel misunderstood:
The pursuer feels rejected.
The withdrawer feels inadequate or overwhelmed.
Each interprets the other’s coping style as a comment on the relationship, instead of a nervous system trying to manage stress.
Healing the Cycle Together
Rather than trying to fix who’s “right” and who’s “too much,” therapy slows down the pattern so both partners can understand the emotional logic behind their reactions. When each partner can name what’s truly happening inside, the dynamic softens, and connection follows.
