The Couple Who Felt Like They Were Speaking Different Languages

I want to tell you about a moment that I think captures something really common — and really fixable — in relationships.

A couple came in, and one of them said, somewhat exasperated, “I tell him I love him all the time. I say it, like, every day. And he still says he doesn’t feel like I show it.” And the other partner said, almost at the same time, “She says it, sure. But she’s never really… around. We don’t really do things together anymore. I feel like I hear the words, but I don’t feel them.”

Neither of them was lying. Neither of them was wrong, exactly. They were just describing love in two completely different languages — and each of them had been waiting for the other to understand a language they’d never actually learned.

We All Have a “Love Language” — Even If We’ve Never Thought About It

You may have heard of the concept of “love languages” before — the idea that people tend to give and receive love in different ways: through words, through quality time, through physical touch, through acts of service, through gifts. Whatever you think of the specific framework, I think the underlying idea is really useful: the way you naturally express love might not be the way your partner naturally receives it as love. And vice versa.

For this couple, she expressed love primarily through words — telling him how she felt, complimenting him, checking in verbally. And she received love the same way — when he told her how he felt, that’s when she felt loved.

He, on the other hand, expressed and experienced love mostly through shared time and activities — doing things together, being present, showing up. Words, for him, were nice, but they didn’t carry the same weight as actually spending time together.

So she was saying “I love you” — genuinely, often — and from her perspective, that was showing love. But from his perspective, the words weren’t landing as much, because what he was actually looking for was more presence, more shared activity. Meanwhile, he might have been showing up in ways that felt loving to him — being around, doing things for her — but if she wasn’t hearing the words alongside it, it didn’t always register as love in the way she experienced it.

It’s Not About Who’s Right

I think the really important thing here is that neither of these ways of expressing love is more “correct” than the other. It’s not that words are superficial, or that quality time is the “real” way to show love. They’re just different languages — and like any language, if you’ve only ever spoken one, it can be hard to even notice that another one exists, let alone learn to speak it.

What helped this couple wasn’t one of them “winning” — like, deciding that words matter more, or that time together matters more. It was both of them learning a little bit of the other’s language. She started being more intentional about creating shared time — not abandoning the verbal expressions that came naturally to her, but adding something that spoke to him in the way he needed. And he started being a bit more verbal — not in a way that felt forced or fake, but in small, genuine ways, because he understood now that those words mattered to her in a way he hadn’t fully realized.

A Small Shift With a Big Impact

What I find so meaningful about this kind of work is that the shift required isn’t usually huge. It’s not about becoming a different person, or completely changing how you naturally express care. It’s more about adding a little bit of your partner’s language into the mix — almost like learning a few key phrases in a language that matters to someone you care about, even if you’ll never be fluent.

For this couple, something as small as him saying “I was thinking about you today” — which wasn’t a huge leap for him, just something he hadn’t thought to say — made a real difference to her. And something like her suggesting they cook dinner together instead of separately — not a massive change, just a small shift — meant a lot to him.

If This Feels Familiar

If you’ve ever felt like you’re doing things that feel loving to you, but your partner doesn’t seem to experience them that way — or if you’ve ever felt loved “on paper” but not quite in the way you needed — this might be part of what’s going on. And the good news is, this is one of those things that, once it’s named, often becomes much easier to work with.